Far too many of my tweets are inspired by my rides on the bus in Los Angeles; far more than I’d care to admit. Sadly, I couldn’t live tweet events as they happened tonight, so I’ll do my best to recreate said events here from memory.
After a twenty minute wait, I boarded the #4 bus in West Hollywood to go home approximately an hour ago. As I took a seat, the driver took the loudspeaker and gleefully announced, “Okay, y’all. There’s gonna be a four minute layover. I know, for some of y’all, four minutes is gonna seem like… (pause for dramatic effect) …for the longest time!”
At that moment, he segued into Billy Joel’s “For the Longest Time.” From start to finish. And he gleefully sang aloud to the song in falsetto.
Oh dear god, I thought to myself. Should I get off this bus and get the next one? What’s happening? Is he going to kill us all?!
The song slowly faded out, but his falsetto vocals became more spirited. “Okay, y’all!” he shouted, “The longest time is over. Y’all ready to go?!” and with that, he revved up the engines and began to pull forward.
He continued speaking, “If I could make a rooster with my hand, I would call it a ‘hand cock!’ Up next, HANCOCK!”
Oh dear lord. I’m stuck with one of those bus drivers who grabs the microphone with the gusto of a morning zoo disc jockey or an open mic comedian. I buried my face in my hand, afraid of what I’d hear next. But, as when Joan Jett sang, “I hate myself for loving you,” I couldn’t wait for his next announcement.
I pulled out my phone to document every word. Alas, my battery was dead. FUCK!
“Some folks was born in the west,” he shouted, “The can’t help where they was born! They gotta be born somewhere. Up next is WESTBORNE!”
Oh no! He’s really gonna do this for each and every stop, isn’t he?! He let a few stops go without anything clever to say. He simply announced the transfers at the intersections. Eventually, he wasn’t done yet…
“If you live on this street, they say they should give y’all a crown! Up next is KINGS ROAD!”
Ugh. Okay, that was painful. It can’t get much worse, can it?
“They say you sweet, but baby I’m so much sweetzer. Up next is SWEETZER!”
I’m a half mile in. Only five and a half miles to go!
“Get ready for a low punch. Up next is LA JOLLA!”
That one took me a minute. Oh, La Jolla is pronounced “La Hoya!” That was an Oscar de la Hoya joke! He’s so clever!
“There’s a fare and it’s fair! Those are just the facts! Up next is FAIRFAX!”
My face is fully buried in my hand right now.
“My daddy always said, ‘If you mad, you gotta let it out! Curse on!’ Up next is CURSON!”
I wished my phone wasn’t dead for this.
“If we eat the same amount, but you bigger than me, I’m gonna be fuller than you! FULLER is next!”
It can’t get any cornier than that, really? Right? RIGHT?!
“My daddy always told me, ‘If you gonna bet, go formosa the money. FORMOSA is next!”
Oh no he didn’t!
“When you feelin’ low, where you gonna go? You gotta go to high land! Next stop is HIGHLAND!”
I’m preparing myself for the next stop. He cops out.
“Up next! WILCOX! I ain’t got nothin’ for that stop!”
Bullshit you don’t.
“When you wanna wine and dine and feelin’ fine, get it off the vine. VINE is next!”
Now he’s getting lazy on me.
“Up next is the toughest street in Hollywood! Get off here if you got a death wish! It’s BRONSON… as in Charles!”
He was nice enough to explain his joke to us, everyone. Wasn’t that sweet?
“Our next street is as simple as ABCs. You got A and then B and then C and Van Ness. VAN NESS, everyone!”
Okay, you were REALLY REALLY reaching on that last one. What the fuck? That didn’t even make sense!
“They say the western is dead, but you’d never know it by this next stop. Coming up, WESTERN!”
Make it stop, please! Not really, I’m living for this right now.
“If you love art, you’ll love Hobart! HOBART is next!”
“Up next is a Grecian city! Give it up for ALEXANDRIA!”
What? I think he’s getting sleepy on us now.
“There’s lots of monts in this town, but this mont is on the edge! Up next is EDGEMONT!”
Yeah, I think he’s done now. And I’m only halfway home.
“As I said, there’s lots of monts in this town. The next mont isn’t his mont or your mont or their mont… it’s VERMONT!”
Oh! That last one was a set up for your killer punchline! I get it! Please kill me now.
“The next street’s gonna give it up eventually. We all do. Up next is VIRGIL!”
I think he’s trying to get a little blue there. Again, he’s reaching.
“The next stop will show you a good time. HOOVER is next! Yeah, baby, it’s Metro AFTER HOURS!”
Okay, he’s clearly trying to work blue now. This is adorable.
“Everybody’s gotta be born somewhere. Some folks was born in the sand. SANBORNE is next!”
Did you just recycle your Westborne joke from 20 minutes ago?! I’m gonna have to call a serious foul on that one.
“As B.B. King said, ‘I found my thrill with Lucile!’ LUCILE is next”
I’m almost home. I gotta pee. Help me.
“‘Micheal who?’ you ask. It’s Michael Torena, y’all! Up next, MICHELTORENA!”
Yeah, I really gotta pee.
“Some people got a heart of gold, but this street’s got a lake of silver! SILVER LAKE is next!”
Some people have a lake of gold. Me, for example. Thank god, the next stop is mine. I’m sorry I’ll miss what he has to say about ALVARADO.