Nick's Friggin' Tumblr Page

(I’m so, so, so going to hell for this one, aren’t I?)

The Twitter Elite™ are very real. They get together to conspire against everyone once a week. I’ve obtained a transcript of their last meeting. As you’ll see, however, they don’t get much accomplished.

@badbanana This meeting of the Twitter Elite is now come to order. Now… who the hell are you people, anyway?

@capricecrane I have a new book. It’s in stores today and available at amazon.com!

@robdelaney I’ve got her book right here and I love it. The pages are already stuck together. BOOM! Applesauce!

@donni They should change the name of Applesauce to iSauce.

@_tombrady 152 stars. Guaranteed.

@ChrisBrown Yo yo yo! Is this where the party at?!

@JennyJohnsonHi5 YOU BEAT WOMEN!

@ChrisBrown (EXITS)

@tamytoo2 The best part about having a teenage daughter is knowing our vaginas are still the same size and flavor. That’s what her boyfriend tells me, anyway.

@PyrBliss I don’t give a fuck about your vagina! Fuck my vagina!!

@meganamram I have a vagina only a father could love.

@slashleen Speaking of vaginas and fathers, I heard @shelbyfero was raped and was totally asking for it. Hilarious!

@shelbyfero Nice try, rape. I don’t think so.

@NakedNikki That’s not funny. Bitches.

@UNTRESOR i once raped a dead squirrel and took a shit on its head while singing creed’s with arms wide open.

@FilthyRichmond When I shit on a dead squirrel, I like to cut it up and serve as a delicious topping to my coworkers at office pizza parties.

@NealMayhem I understand today is @HerMaeness’ birthday. Looking for the perfect gift? You can’t go wrong with a nice sandwich!

@HerMaeness I do love sandwiches. I also love pizza with delicious toppings. I don’t enjoy dead squirrels and shit, though.

@ThiefPolice BUSTED! @HerMaeness stole that comment from @FilthyRichmond!

@HerMaeness WHAT?!

@matttuff If you don’t enjoy shit, @HerMaeness, I’d advice you not to spend too much time with my grandma. She shit herself again.

@MrFornicator Speaking of work, I have a metalhead coworker. That guy’s crazy! He’s literally office rocker. Get it? OFF-HIS-ROCKER?! Is this thing on?

@_tombrady 173 stars. Guaranteed.

@CroweJam Pizza Parties tend to have a lot less racism than Tea Parties.

@TheSulk Racism would fill me with sadness if I wasn’t already filled with despair. And Radiohead.

@Karimi I like to mix things up. When we have an office pizza party, I shit on a dead squirrel, cut it up and serve it as a delicious topping to my coworkers.

@ThiefPolice Dude!!

@Karimi What? I’m under a lot of pressure here! Besides, everyone does it!

(EVERYONE) Get out of here, @Karimi!

@TheHoyBoy Hey @Karimi! Before you go, how much do you want for your followers?

@Favstar I thought I changed the locks. How did @TheHoyBoy get in here?

@Karimi & @TheHoyBoy (BOTH EXIT)

@im_tricia What does any of this even mean as long as I don’t have a guy who loves me for who I am? I’ll just stay home and cut myself.

@_tombrady 52 scars. Guaranteed.

@YUCKYBOT I think women should be loved for who they are. That’s why I volunteer to be @im_tricia’s boyfriend.

@im_tricia Aww, @YUCKYBOT! You’re HILARIOUS!

@YUCKYBOT Umm… Thanks. *sigh*

@MrBrownEye2 Okay guys. I got some personal issues to take care of. I’m leaving and I’m not coming back.

(EVERYONE) Take care, @MrBrownEye2! See ya tomorrow!

@badbanana Christ. They’ll let anyone in here, won’t they?

(LOVE YA! MEAN IT!)